Day 57: No Better

Well today was worse than yesterday. I tried my best to make it a better day, but it quickly soured around 11 am and only went downhill from there.

It’s currently 2:30 pm and less than an hour ago I did something that right now I really hate myself for. I cried at work in front of a supervisor. Death please come swiftly. I do not like for people to see me cry. Not exactly sure why, but it makes me feel stupid and low to cry in front of someone. I dislike women who get weepy to get out of trouble, I’ve never been a minpulative crier which is the number one reason that no matter how bad it’s ever been at work I breathe and remember that I know what I’m doing and I don’t want anyone’s sympathy.

Today, I couldn’t hold back my tears of frustration and anger. They came spewing out and that made me cry harder. I don’t want you to think I don’t cry, I’m a crier. Sad commercials. Sad movies. Sad songs. They all get me, but I don’t just cry when I’m sad or touched, I cry when I’m mad. I cry even more when I become frustrated because then I can’t articulate what I need to say.

So today I cried at work. My one saving grace is that it’s Friday, so everyone got to leave early, if I need to continue to cry I can do so from the privacy of my office and I don’t have to fucking come back to this hell hole for 3 days. I’m still mortified. I don’t want to ever look at the man who watched me blubber again because all I’ll be thinking about is how he must be wondering if I’m going to start bawling again.

Update: it’s now 7:30 pm and I’ve tucked myself into bed with a book and a loving dog. I’d like to tell you that the end of my day made up for the shitty middle, but it did not. I got a text while eating dinner that my water had been turned off. Apparently the city I live in has a policy that you have to pay your bill on or before the 25th or suffer late fees and disconnection. I didn’t know that, so this morning when I dropped off my payment I figured all was well…wow of course again I was wrong. Because it’s not a weekend I had to pay a freaking $50 late fee, plus an extra $10 to get them to come out and turn it on…so I’m going to bury my head in my pillows, maybe cry for a few more minutes to get it all out of my system,  and then I’m going to fall into a blissful sleep.

Tomorrow will be a great day. No alarm. No adgenda.  I may veg on the couch all fucking day with my dogs to get over the horrific day I had.

To end on a more positive note, I remembered to bring home my lunch containers and smoothie bottle every single day this week!! Go me.

Caloric intake: 1,977
Calories burned: none

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!
Chels aka The Crazy Dame


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