I struggle with relationships. It makes me feel like an unfeeling bitch, but people start to annoy me and I’ll let one insignificant thing ruin a relationship. Today a friend (you know I only have like 2…) asked me when the last time I had spoken to my best friend was and without feeling the tiniest bit sad I answered, “like a month or so,” not an exaggeration. She of course followed up by asking why, this is where the bitch explanation begins.
I’m the first to say I can be a big bitch, so after making sure she understood that I know full well that what I was about to say would probably sound idiotic. I haven’t spoken to the person I’ve called my best friend for almost 7 years because we grew apart and I’m okay with that. It seems terrible to say, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that it’s useless to waste time with people who are not trying to live the same way I am (if that makes sense). Like I mentioned I take one seemingly insignificant detail and exploit that until I let myself feel okay with phasing that person out of my life.
The first sign of trouble was when my best friend got her first boyfriend and lost our virginity bet (it’s too embarrassing to explain, just know I’m the winner/loser here) and she didn’t tell me about it, I wasn’t even aware she had a boyfriend until after they’d been “dating” for 6 months. Honestly I think she was scared to introduce us because I’m the first to tell someone when someone else is an ass and after she finally opened up about the things he had said to her she knew I would immediately say, “what the fuck are you doing with this dead beat?” Maybe that just speaks more to my character than hers, but I’m not one to let myself be abused. The fact that she would let this guy, who was a real prize let me tell you, treat her badly really opened my eyes to the kind of girl my friend had become. She was so desperate to be shown any kind of affection that she would let someone say some really awful things to her. Realizing that made me wonder what kind of girl I was would I let someone degrade me as long as they told me I was pretty and held me? Fuck no. I may not be beautiful and of course like every other person on the plant I have bouts of insecurity that can be cripling, but I would never let someone exploit that.
After that it was just down hill. I took exception to everything she did when we were together. Every time she picked her phone to answer a text while we were talking or played on Facebook while we were supposed to be watching a movie I could feel myself getting angry. Just like it was nothing at all I started to let her slip out of my life.
We went for a long while without speaking and then one day we got together, but it just made me remember why I thought I didn’t need her in my life to begin with. I felt like she was just using me. It aggrivated me that she would text that she missed me, but never actually made an attempt see me, so I stopped answering those texts and now it’s been weeks since she’s tried contacting me.
I’m sure after reading this you’re thinking, fuck I’m glad I’m not friends with this mean ass bitch and you’re probably better off. Does that self deprivating? I guess that’s better than bragging…right?
This is probably another of those deep psychological issues I need to work on. I’m going to make some shrink very happy one day I’m sure.
Caloric intake: 1,378
Calories burned: 1,014
Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!