Day 127: Fat

Hello my little wild ones. I hope you had a fabulous Friday and have amazing plans for your weekend. I of course will be at work, yippee for me.

Today was a very strange day for a number of reasons. This is not going to be a very upbeat or funny post. I’ve been in a very somber mood as of late and today I still have not been able to shake the small cloud floating above my head, so just hang in for a few more days and I’m sure I’ll be back to my sunny self. Well, maybe, am I even a sunny girl? That’s something I have been questioning for days now. Am I depressed? Am I not a happy person? Do you have an answer?

First thing this morning Facebook notified me that someone I went to high school with has passed. It was a very unexpected thing to be hit with so early in the morning. It’s strange that someone so close to my age has left this world. We had theatre together my senior year. I always thought she was a lovely girl, beautiful inside and out. My news feed has been inundated with people posting photos and memories of their time with her. Each memory made me smile and wish for peace for her, but it also made me think.

Here’s where I make someone else’s death more about myself. What are people going to say about me when I’m gone? Will people post pictures of me and share their favorite memories? Will they even have great memories to share? It’s ridiculous to ask these questions, but it’s something I’ve obsessed over today. Have I touched anyone’s life in such a profound way that they would grieve at the loss of me? Do I leave a lasting impression? Would anyone even miss me?

These questions made me feel like a pathetic lump. I’m terrified that the answer would be a resounding no to all of the above. Social media would be silent with the news of my passing. Only my immediate family would feel the loss. Noone would care to remember me. Pathetic.

To top all those disturbing feelings off I felt and looked like shit today. Catching a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror at work really brought me down. I looked fat. That may sound inane because I’ve said it many times that I am fat, but it’s never the defining thing I call myslef, today it was. All I saw in the mirror was a fat girl.

How do I get out of this pit? I feel as though I’m sinking further down and I’m afraid to drown. Every other day I can just give myself a shake and say, “Smile you silly bitch, things are not that bad and they can only get better.” But thats not working today and if I’m being honest it’s taken longer to rebound the last few times I have had to pull myself up by the boot straps. I’m so sick of lying to myself.

Maybe it’s not going to get better. Maybe it never will. I’m an idiot for continuing to believe that one day all this is going to make sense and I’ll understand why I felt this way.

I don’t understand. So, to escape those feelings I’m going to sleep. I’ve been wrapped up in my cocoon of solace since getting home 30 minutes ago and I don’t plan on leaving until work.

I’m not doing caloric count today because to be honest it doesn’t fucking matter anyway.

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild.

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