Day 182: 2.0

Hello wild ones! I’d like to start by apologizing for the dramatic post this morning. I’m feelin’ a funk coming on again and I don’t know if there is any way for me to prevent it from fucking with my entire life.

I left work fine. Couldn’t stop for breakfast because my favorite taco place wasn’t open yet, so I just went straight home. Still fine. Started a load of clothes and watched a couple of episodes of The Mindy Project while I waited for them to wash. Still fine. Timer goes off to change the clothes and this is where my emotions started to turn on me. This knot formed in my chest, a familiar knot that means any moment I was going to break down in tears. Swallowing hard I fought against that knot, there was absolutely no reason to cry.

Nothing had happened except for my frustration with the show, which was certainly not great enough to warrant tears. I was able to combat that first wave of sadness, thought I had it under control until I stepped into the garage and felt cool wet tears streaming down my face. It was like a dam broke. We went from quite tears to undignified heart wrench sobs in no time flat.

Standing in front of my washer, hands turned upwards asking what the hell was going on. Questions flew forth. What’s the matter? Why are you crying? What happened? Are you sad? What are you sad about? Those of course are the innocent questions, my perplexed mind softly probing for the problem. I was able to gain control of myself long enough to throw my clothes in the dryer, start said dryer, pad to my bedroom, and shut my door before the tears started again. The dogs both were staring up at me, unsure how to proceed as I went through my bedtime routine. All too soon the soft dainty tears turned once again in sobs because I couldn’t get Lois to cooperate and get into bed; she was just sitting at my feet looking up at me. Those sobs took longer to dissipate and the more probing questions were asked.

Is it because you’re alone? Are you lonely? I burned my face in the pillow afraid that my sadness was loud enough to alert my brother in the other room. Are you ashamed? Are the tears because you’re a bad person? What are you regretting? How are you ever going to find someone to love you? Who would ever love you? The questions just kept getting louder as though they were fighting to be heard. Curled into a little ball on my side of the bed I cried until I couldn’t breath anymore and then I had to sit up gasping for breath, choking and coughing while the dark questions rolled around inside my mind.

Once again I pushed it all down deep, covering it with every good memory and thought I could until I was breathing deep and even again. Laying back in bed, I realized that there was no way I could try and get out the post I wanted or even to give you an explanation of what had just happened while it was still so fresh. Even now my fingers trembled with my heart fighting to keep the tears at bay because I am at work and I’ve already cried in this office once. I refuse to do it again.

I was hoping that by trying to offer up an explanation now would help me to understand exactly why I had this emotional breakdown, but I’m still confused. Is it because I’m too invested in a fictional show? That does make me feel like a moron. Surely that cannot be the reason I was crying. More importantly I’d like to know/understand why I feel so emotionally raw now. My life force has been drained. I’m just a bump on a log right now, when last night and early this morning (before the crying started) I was feeling good.

I did squats and lunges last night while watching my show. 100 or so squats and 60 ish lunges. I was laughing, felt light at heart, even joyful. What is wrong with me?

Since my wish post yesterday I’ve been thinking about what I could right now to make myself happier and now that I’ve become some unstable volcano of emotions I thought it wise to evaluate my behavior as of late and resolve to make changes that will not only make me happier now, but will help in the long run. We will talk about that more in the morning. I need time to self reflect and collect my thoughts before presenting.

I hope you are well. I wish you happiness. I want love to find it’s way to you.

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

Day 181: Genie in a Bottle

Hello wild ones! Happy hump day. 

I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, be careful what you wish for, for unknown reasons wishes were on my mind yesterday morning. I thought about what my 3 wishes would be if I found a genie in a bottle. I’m gonna warn you now that my wishes are selfish/selfservicing because I’m not going to waste wishes on stuff that’s never going to happen. World peace? Ha, never going to happen. We’re taught early in life to fear that which is different from us, jealousy is just part of being human, so there will always be turmoil. Sad fact, but there it is. 

So here’s my list, in no specific order.

1. I wish I weighed about 100 pounds less. 

2. I wish I always had the exact amount of money in my pocket for all purchases.

3. I wish I could find someone to love me for who I am.

Now that you’ve read my selfish wishes I’m going to show how they could go ary and why we should be careful what we wish for.

1. My weight.This is one of those wishes I’d have to word just right. You get some smart ass genie who would just make me an amputee or some crazy shit. I guess I’d have to ask for a lower BMI, but that gets complicated too because he could just make me taller or some dumb shit. Like I said tricky wording. I’d have to get real specific or end up even more unhappy with my body than I already am. Who’s to say that weighing less would be beneficial to my self esteem, sure it would help my health, but I’m afraid that no matter how much I weigh I’ll still have a problem being naked, or at any stage of undressing, in front others.

2. Money. This is the one I’m not worried about the wording, just about the tax implications and inconvenience of having to pull tons of money out of my pocket. Also, again smart as genie who is very specific about it being the same pocket for the rest of my life. Hello, it would also mean I always have to wear pants or an outfit that had pockets. Problematic. 

3. There are already people in my life that love me for who I am, or at least I hope my family loves me for me. Even if I changed that to that I wanted a man to love me, I’ve got my brother who is technically a man. Plus, just because someone loves me doesn’t necessarily mean I would love them. They could be some creep in prison, who the hell knows. 

Now, I know you’re probably thinking, Chelsea will these things really make you happy? To that I say, yes I think so. I like to say/pretend that I’m happy right now, so having more money, less body fat, and someone to love sounds like a winning situation. I do have to admit that those aren’t my true wishes, if wishes were a real thing that could be granted. 

I’d actually probably wish to go back in time and retain the knowledge I have now if it were possible. I’ve done some things I’d like to change despite the fact that they would change important things about who I am today. 

I’d wish that no one I love ever had to want for anything or had to suffer. Knowing my loved ones are well cared for is really important to me. One day I’ll tell you about my dream. 

Lastly, I’d wish just to be able to do whatever makes me happiest. This one is attainable in the way that I could do more things that make me happy, but my full wish is to be able to never do anything that makes me unhappy. Which is just unrealistic. The littlest things make me unhappy, things that used to make me happy sometimes make me unhappy. I guess I just wish I didn’t have to work so hard just to live. Do you understand what I mean? 

What would your wishes be? If I was your fairy godmother and I told you that I was here to grant you 3 wishes what would you wish for? 

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

Day 180: Miranda

Hello wild ones. Happy Tuesday!

So I’ve been binge watching Miranda all night. It’s currently 6 am and I should be getting to bed soon, but I think I’ve got a few more episodes. Seriously hilarious stuff.

I got almost nothing accomplished last night because of my binge watching. Stew was made, by request of Wyatt, so I packaged some for lunch. That’s about all I did.

So I drove myself home yesterday morning at 4 am. After laying in bed for 2 hours unable to go to sleep and after some counsel from my brother I decided to just jump in the car and come home.

As soon as I got home I went back to bed, ridiculous I know, but I was suffering from as massive headache and was hoping that sleep would get rid of the pain. It did not.

I slept way too long. Didn’t wake up until 5:30 pm, which made me feel real shitty. Had dinner with M, who provided me with the pills needed to make the ache in my head go away. It took all day, but it finally went away and luckily stayed away.

Now I need to be thinking seriously about getting to bed because I’ve got to work tonight. Night kids.

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!
Chels

Day 179: River Blues

Hello wild ones! I hope you had a good weekend and that you find yourself safe this Monday morning back at the grind.

It’s currently 3 am my time and I’ve been laying here for over 45 minutes now unable to fall back asleep. I’m just kind of biding my time until someone else wakes up, so I can go home.

Getting here was a major pain. My family and I are serial river trippers, we don’t mess around when it comes to heading out in search of a cool river to dunk ourselves into. So it’s frustrating when others are not up to our level or preparedness.

The plan was to leave S’s house yesterday at 10 am, which should have put us here around 12 pm give or take a few minutes. Since we had such a late start time I brought doughnuts because I knew I was hungry. After picking up said doughnuts I was informed we were stopping for breakfast…well hell.

We stopped and ate brunch (it was nearly 11 when we ate) and then had to stop again in Hondo to grocery shop. Seriously? 

We finally arrived at 2:30 pm only to be told that the cabins weren’t ready yet, which was not a big deal to me because hello, only 200 yards or so away the river was calling my name.

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The water was amazing. It’s not called the Frio for nothing, but oh man if I could just live here I would.

We swam for about 2 hours and then it was finally time to check in, much to my chagrin we did not return to the river for the rest of the day.

After setting up camp we ate and then sat around talking. Due to the fact that I only got about 4 hours of sleep yesterday morning I was pooped out around 8. I was fighting to stay away, so I finally gave in around 9 and left everyone to finish their beer and crawled into the tiny bed S and I shared.

Now, I’m just lying here listening to the noises in our small cabin. S snoring softly, the air condition working double time to keep us cool, the wind against the side of the cabin, and some terrify scratching I keep telling myself is just the trees.

I feel shitty for hoping that no one sleeps in today. I don’t think I can just lay in this bed for another 4 – 5 hours, I’m not even 100% sure I can do it for 1 more hour. If the sun was already up I could at least go outside and just sit, but it’s probably still pitch ass black and I’m a damn chicken.

Despite the fact that I have a headache and can’t sleep; anytime I get to hit water it’s a good trip. Which is funny because I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that I’m terrified of water. That’s a discussion for another time.

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!
Chels

Day 178: Alarms

Hello wild ones! This is going to be a short and probably boring post. I’ve only been awake for a total of 8 hours and some change and already back in bed.

I decided to tag along on the river trip I was invited to for today, so I’ve got to get some good sleep. I have alarms set for 8 am, we’re supposed to leave my friends house at 10 am, so I need to leave my house no later than 9:30 to ensure I don’t hold up the trip.

The 8 hours I was awake today I cleaned my house! The living room and kitchen are nice and tidy, so that Monday night when I’m fighting to stay awake to get back in tune with my night shift schedule I can just deep clean my bedroom and work my way back through the house.

I also had dinner with M because I didn’t see her all week. We chatted over chips and queso until the mariachi arrived, we high tailed it out of there when he started singing.

Just got out of the shower where I spent what felt like a lifetime shaving. Seriously, I think I may be related to Chewbacca. It was worth it thoigh, now I’m all smooth and silky (thanks in part to my coconut goats milk lotion) and tucked into bed.

Speaking of bed, these sheets are not as great as I thought they were. Don’t get me wrong, they good sheets, just not up to snuff with my good sheets. I didn’t notice how rough they were until I put my face against them yesterday morning to sleep. It didn’t keep me from sleeping, but it did take a moment to get comfy just because my face is used to being greeted with an almost silk like fabric. Like I said before they will do until I can afford to get myself the sheets I dream about.

Okay kids, I’ve got to get to sleep. I’ll talk to you later!

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!
Chels

Day 177: Neverending Cycle

Hello wild ones! Welcome to the weekend. Please enjoy your stay.

A short 24 hours ago I posted a promise that I wouldn’t spend my money on foolish crap anymore, I’ve already sort of broken that promise.

It all started innocently enough. I woke up around 1 ish, took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, put some makeup on, and waited for S (I don’t think I’ve mentioned this person by name just yet, but it’s the aforementioned best friend that I had not spoken too in a month or so) to arrive so we could set off to get my tire repaired. Because we were going to be in San Antonio anyway S asked if we could shop around for swimwear, of course I obliged. As soon as we stepped into Target I knew I wasn’t going to leave without looking at the bedding.

After weeding around the clothing for a bit I lead her to the bedding department that haunts my dreams and I took a nose dive from a very steep cliff. So many pretty things. Firstly I found sheets that were soft, light, and adorable, by some stroke of luck they were on sale so those were a quick grab. Of course since I was getting new sheets I had to look for a comforter because the color I had chosen would not match my current quilt. Weaving up and down every aisle we touched every blanket they had to offer, balked over prices, and finally settle with just a cute grey micro queen size blanket that was only $20. From there we headed back to the swimsuits where is spent my time mulling over my choices.

I had picked out mint colored sheets and the Grey blankey, but there had been this really pretty grey and white quilt that I had fallen in love with. It had scalloped trim! Oh it was so cute, but the $60 price tag had S slapping my hands away.

So once again I made her take a turn down bedding avenue and we fought again over the fact that I wanted the pretty quilt and she very smartly pointed out that I could not afford it at this time. I settle for a bright pink quilt and then had to change my sheet color because I felt the mint with the pink was just a little too much color for me.

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I did shoot this one picture while waiting for her to try on a two piece that she wasn’t sure about. So I walked out of Target with a new set of sheets and a matching quilt. Now, I immediately started having buyers remorse and had to keep reminding myself that the sheets I currently have I’ve been using for over 5 years now and that it was time to get some new ones so I at least had another set. I wanted to get the same sheets, but they’re way out of my price range at this time, perhaps that will be my Christmas present to myself. So I spent less than $100 and got the items I needed.

Wish I could say my little spree ended there.  Months back I mentioned that Target had some really cute pillow cases with writing on them and that I wanted to create my own, well since I was getting new bedding anyway I decided I should grab some white pillow cases and try my hand at recreating them. Of course I was not going to pay $20 for plain pillowcases at Target, so we went across the street to Ross, which we should not have done.

Another $80 down the tube on 2 sets of white pillow cases, a pair of cat flats that were too cute to pass up, 3 new pairs of yoga pants (in my defense they were only $11 each), and a really cute flamingo print for my bedroom. It could have been worse. I found yellow plates, luckily S was there to once again to help me see that I didn’t need them. Also, they only had the full size plates in yellow, no bowls or matching salad plates.

After shopping we had an early dinner that we both regretted. The two of us make questionable decisions about food and movies when we’re together. We decided on Buffalo Wild Wings and as soon as our friend pickles came out we remembered why we hadn’t been there in so long. We don’t really like it all that much. Kept us from over eating though, so there’s that I guess.

We made one more stop before coming home, Walmart to grab fabric paint, which totally could have waited because I don’t even have a plan of attack yet for the pillowcases. She went home and then I made my grocery list.

So last night I got all of my errands done, if I wanted I could stay in my house for the next 3 days. I won’t, but just knowing I could makes me happy. I even started deep cleaning my kitchen! Tonight I’ll finish the kitchen and move on the living room and then finish up my room.

It’s really freaking sad that I’ve lived here for almost a full year and still have not out anything on my walls of my room. I am going to remedy that. As soon as I’m done with the kitchen and living room I’m going to rearrange my room and make it look like I actually live here. For now though I’m going to make my bed and then crawl into it with the dogs and sleep.

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Wow, please ignore the mess that is my dresser…

Stay tuned for all the cleaning adventures and to find out if we are taking a river trip on Sunday!

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!
Chels