Day 167: Left field

Hello wild ones! Again this time change is really messing with me, I’m sure you’re tired of hearing it, but it is the ugly truth. I had not even realized that it was getting so late and that I still had not written today’s post, so here we are. I promise I’m going to set an alarm on my phone or some shit to keep me from hurrying to my phone or computer every night at 11:30 pm to rush out a post. It’s not fair to either of us.

Tonight I managed to remember a little earlier than usual and went back to make sure I had not already covered what I am about to tell you in my last post about me not having friends. What I am about to reveal is probably not news to anyone who has read that post, but I’m going to say it anyway. I push people away.

I’ve been doing it for years and for some reason it never occurred to me until the other morning when I received a message from someone that was my right hand in high school. She went to see Panic!AtTheDisco this past weekend and wanted to let me know how it had affected her. She was the person who I shared Panic! with in high school. She said it best, “People around here would drive the back roads listening to country, we listened to Panic!” She cried at the concert and then had to explain to one of her friends why the music had made tears fall.

I cried too, but not because of the music, because of everything else that we had once shared and the fact that it’s gone now and that’s my fault. When I was just a sophomore we became best friends, like shared a twin sized bed that was much too small for both of us, read books in that tiny cramped bed, shared clothes and every secret thing we had ever thought best friends. She knows things about me that no one else does, but we don’t speak anymore. Haven’t in years. Because I’m a freak who can’t stand to feel like I’m being left behind.

This is why I cried. This person who was so important to me that we called each other’s houses home is the same person that I haven’t had an actual conversation with in over 7 years. That’s insane. I cried because for the first time I realized that I missed her, I missed our friendship.

I also cried because I told her the truth. It was my fault, I push people away. As soon as it seems like they may be moving on I cut all ties. I don’t want to be left, so I make sure I do the leaving. This is going to sound ridiculous but we had something very akin to an actual breakup, like there were boxes of belongings returned after all was said and done. I push everyone away.

Now writing this I want to text the person I’ve most recently referred to as my best friend, the one who I wrote an entire post about some days ago, and tell her that I don’t want us to stop being friends. I don’t want to look back in 8 years and regret that I sent yet another person packing because I thought they were moving on with their life. In fact, I’d like to text a number of people and tell them that while we may not speak at all anymore I still love them and that I wish I had pushed them away and that I wish all the happiness in the world for them.

Jesus, how in the hell am I ever going to date someone? Maybe this is one of the reasons I’ve never tried putting myself out there, I’m crazy. The first time some guy forgot to call me back or got a little too busy for me I’d drop him like a sack of potatoes. Man, I’ve got some serious issues.

Should I be seeing a shrink? Maybe…I might need to look into that, for now you get to be my doctor. Yay for you, I’m sure you love hearing all the ridiculous things I’m afraid of or the stupid things I’ve done to sabotage my life. Thank you for being here. I don’t think I would even say half of the things I say to anyone that I say to you and because I say them to you sometimes I do actually say them aloud to people I know. I think maybe this has made me more open about my life and the worries that bounce around my head 24/7. The most recent being, “Am I going to end up along because I’m afraid to end up alone?”

I hope all is well with you. If it is not please feel free to express your worries back to me, I promise to listen with an open heart and mind. Or hey, if you’re feeling great share that too. Tell the people you love that you love them. Make sure to say it to yourself as well.

Night kids.

 

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

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