Day 182: 2.0

Hello wild ones! I’d like to start by apologizing for the dramatic post this morning. I’m feelin’ a funk coming on again and I don’t know if there is any way for me to prevent it from fucking with my entire life.

I left work fine. Couldn’t stop for breakfast because my favorite taco place wasn’t open yet, so I just went straight home. Still fine. Started a load of clothes and watched a couple of episodes of The Mindy Project while I waited for them to wash. Still fine. Timer goes off to change the clothes and this is where my emotions started to turn on me. This knot formed in my chest, a familiar knot that means any moment I was going to break down in tears. Swallowing hard I fought against that knot, there was absolutely no reason to cry.

Nothing had happened except for my frustration with the show, which was certainly not great enough to warrant tears. I was able to combat that first wave of sadness, thought I had it under control until I stepped into the garage and felt cool wet tears streaming down my face. It was like a dam broke. We went from quite tears to undignified heart wrench sobs in no time flat.

Standing in front of my washer, hands turned upwards asking what the hell was going on. Questions flew forth. What’s the matter? Why are you crying? What happened? Are you sad? What are you sad about? Those of course are the innocent questions, my perplexed mind softly probing for the problem. I was able to gain control of myself long enough to throw my clothes in the dryer, start said dryer, pad to my bedroom, and shut my door before the tears started again. The dogs both were staring up at me, unsure how to proceed as I went through my bedtime routine. All too soon the soft dainty tears turned once again in sobs because I couldn’t get Lois to cooperate and get into bed; she was just sitting at my feet looking up at me. Those sobs took longer to dissipate and the more probing questions were asked.

Is it because you’re alone? Are you lonely? I burned my face in the pillow afraid that my sadness was loud enough to alert my brother in the other room. Are you ashamed? Are the tears because you’re a bad person? What are you regretting? How are you ever going to find someone to love you? Who would ever love you? The questions just kept getting louder as though they were fighting to be heard. Curled into a little ball on my side of the bed I cried until I couldn’t breath anymore and then I had to sit up gasping for breath, choking and coughing while the dark questions rolled around inside my mind.

Once again I pushed it all down deep, covering it with every good memory and thought I could until I was breathing deep and even again. Laying back in bed, I realized that there was no way I could try and get out the post I wanted or even to give you an explanation of what had just happened while it was still so fresh. Even now my fingers trembled with my heart fighting to keep the tears at bay because I am at work and I’ve already cried in this office once. I refuse to do it again.

I was hoping that by trying to offer up an explanation now would help me to understand exactly why I had this emotional breakdown, but I’m still confused. Is it because I’m too invested in a fictional show? That does make me feel like a moron. Surely that cannot be the reason I was crying. More importantly I’d like to know/understand why I feel so emotionally raw now. My life force has been drained. I’m just a bump on a log right now, when last night and early this morning (before the crying started) I was feeling good.

I did squats and lunges last night while watching my show. 100 or so squats and 60 ish lunges. I was laughing, felt light at heart, even joyful. What is wrong with me?

Since my wish post yesterday I’ve been thinking about what I could right now to make myself happier and now that I’ve become some unstable volcano of emotions I thought it wise to evaluate my behavior as of late and resolve to make changes that will not only make me happier now, but will help in the long run. We will talk about that more in the morning. I need time to self reflect and collect my thoughts before presenting.

I hope you are well. I wish you happiness. I want love to find it’s way to you.

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

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