Day 196: Shamless

Hello wild ones!

I promised not that long ago that I was going to stop watching TV shows that played with my emotions. For the most part I had kept that promise, until recently.  

Last week I watched the first episode of Shamless, never having seen an episode, just to test the emotional water so to speak. I felt little to no emotions at all for the characters plights. They were just doing the same stupid shit over and over adneasuem, so I thought I had found something I could watch without experiencing heartbreak.

Shit was I wrong.

At first I told myself that I really just liked the beautifully violent nature of Ian and Mickey’s relationship (or lack thereof). I ignored the all the little signs that should have been indicators that this wasn’t going to end well for me. Until the last few episodes I watched. 

I was smiling. Giddy every time their story got screen time. Hitting the next episode button and informing Netflix, yes indeed I wanted to continue watching. I wanted to see Ian and Mickey together. It was the only reason I was watching the damn show.

That’s when I realized I was addicted to their tangled and mangled love story. I knew I had to stop watching. I didn’t want to see them apart and I already knew there were 2 more seasons than what was available on Netflix, so while in the episode I was watching they were still “together” it may not last the test of time. 

Sadly, I was right. Because I’m an idiot who cannot bear to wait for surprises and I crave that immediate gratification I asked Google what was going to happen to the only characters I gave a shit about. 

SPOILER ALERT! They break up. Just reading that made my heart twinge, but at least I knew better than to keep watching. I would only grow more attached and then when the breakup came it would be more devastating. 

The Internet is such an enabler. I wish there was a way to censor material that I didn’t need to see. A red flashing screen that popped up when I was trying to find something that would only hurt me. But alas there is only my brain and last night it wasn’t loud enough when it told me not to search for YouTube clips of my favorite couple.

Good god. I watched a compilation of their kisses. I watched a Mashup of just their conversations. I watched a few stupid fan videos. I watched a video titled 15 saddest moments of Shamless (only 2 of which I thought were sad and those of course were Ian and Mickey scenes). And then I saw the video that should have come with a warning lable, BITCH DO NOT WATCH. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STAY AWAY, should have been the title. Mabel then I would have stayed away.

Ian and Mickey break up. Fuck. I’m not proud to admit that I started watching it while still at work, but had to stop before they even started speaking to each other. All because Mickey ran. Sprinted across neighborhoods just to see Ian. Tears formed as I watched him running because I knew already this scene wasn’t going to end with them running into each others arms. I hit the pause button and quickly navigated away.

If I was someone with any sense at all I’d stay clear of that video until my dying day, but I have no sense. Just watched it. Fuck. I cried. If you’ve ever seen the show you’d understand why watching Mickey, the tough guy who wouldn’t even kiss Ian forever because he was scared of who he was and people finding out, telling Ian that love meant they take care of each other. “It means thick and thin. Good time, bad times. Sickness and health and all that shit.” All that shit. Messed me up. I just had to rewatch the video to get the wording right and now I’m tearing up again. It just rocks me to the core.

So now once again I’ve made myself an emotional wreck. This time perhaps a little less severe, maybe because I watched knowing full well it wasn’t going to end the way I would want. 

This is why you’re getting the post so early today. I couldn’t go to sleep without getting all this off of my chest. It’s stories like this one that make me want to write.

I want some emotional twit to write a blog about the way my characters made her feel. About how I absolutely wrecked their life for just a moment. I want someone to crave my love stories. I want to be the reason she loses sleep, unable to find peace while trying to get to the next page.

 That’s what I want out of writing. Not fame. Not glory. I just want one person to be so wrapped up in the universe I’ve created that they feel cold and empty when it’s over. But stronger for having lived through the emotional struggle. 

Alright, now that I’ve purged I’m hoping I can get some sleep. I may have to be up early today, maintenance is supposed to come check out my garage disposal and dishwasher this afternoon before I leave for work. 

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

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