Day 263: Struggles

Hello wild ones! Well here’s the post I’ve been battling with all day…

I’m afraid I’ve got some serious insecurities and they kind of mess with my life in some strange ways. My own insecurities make me jealous of others. My best friend met my sisters friend Saturday night and literally all they did was hello, but not 5 minutes after we pulled out of the driveway he was texting my sister asking about my friend.

That instant attraction has been fucking with me. I’ve never been the type of girl to beg for attention, but the way he reacted to her has made me want to ask everyone I know if I’m even the least bit pretty. And that makes me so mad. Mad enough that I’m crying about it right now. 

I’ve always thought my life would be so much easier if I was pretty. Like maybe I wouldn’t have to try so hard to make sure I’m funny, or care about other people’s feelings to the point that I sacrifice what I want, or try to be witty and seem interesting. I wouldn’t have to do any of those things if I had good looks. 

And how fucked up is it that all of a sudden I wish I was pretty? I’ve always wanted to be more than just a pretty face, but honestly right this second I trade just about any part of my personality for a pretty face or banging body. That sickening thought feels like a betrayal to the woman I thought I was. 

I feel lost. So lost and I don’t understand why. How the hell can one insecurity mess with my head so much? 

That kernel of self doubt is eating away at me now. Last night I had to keep reminding myself to have a good time. I had to pretend I was my normal self, while inside I felt like I was crumbling. But I didn’t want to ruin anyone else’s goodtime and being alone with my thoughts has become too dangerous. 

The jealousy that came from that insecurity is worse. My best friend was supposed to go play volleyball with us last night, but cancelled because something came up with her family. I mentioned I wasn’t really feeling like myself and then shortly after that she asked if I still wanted her to come. Of course I wanted to hang out with her, but a little voice in the back of my mind started asking, “is she coming because you’re not feeling great or because she knows C (the guy friend of my sister) is going to be there?” That question had me responding that she should only come if she wanted to and ultimately she didn’t come. But now I’m going to wondering all the time if she’s hanging out with me because it means C might also be around…

I feel so stupid being sad because I’m not pretty. And it’s not like I can say anything to anyone about this oppressive weight settling on my chest. If I asked any of the people close to me if they thought I was pretty, would they even tell the truth? Or would I get some lip service because they love me and don’t want to hurt my feelings? Or worse, would they tell me the truth that I’m exactly what I think I am? An over weight woman with a fat ugly face. I don’t think I could handle the pity on anyone’s face if I worked up the nerve to ask. 

I’m pathetic. A pathetic, ugly, jealous, petty, lonely idiot. That’s what I am. And as much as I hate to end on such a bad and depressing note I can’t sit in my bed and cry over my phone anymore. I’ve got things to do and I need to keep my mind and body busy so I don’t sink further into this pit of self pity and doubt. 

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild.

Chels

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3 thoughts on “Day 263: Struggles

  1. Your post obliterated my heart. First off I refuse to like this post, even though it was written beautifully and thoughtfully. Your feelings of self doubt are normal, but I agree that we can let that effect our relationships. Your best friend might be crushing on a guy but that would never replace you. Just put yourself in her shoes and try to think what you would do. You’re beautiful inside and out and your self loathing is sad. I read your next post already and I’m so glad that you’re feeling better today just don’t let life get you down to much. Keep your head up and stay fabulous, you’re one of a kind and there is no one else in the world like you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” Roald Dahl

    Some people won’t believe others remarking upon their beauty, I’ve seen myself as ugly in the past, with the terrible thoughts I used to let steal my focus while looking in the mirror.
    Does symmetry mean true beauty? not always… I feel that beauty comes from appreciation of ourselves which grows through creative action and love of purpose.
    When I increase focus on my own purpose I no longer have anxiety over the actions of others.

    Like

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