Not Working

Hello wild ones! Well I’d like to tell you that I accomplished all my goals for the week, but that would make me a liar. I don’t think I accomplished any of them…I’m starting to wonder what the hell I was thinking with this weekly goal stuff. Every time I don’t finish one I fell bad about it and I worry I’m putting too much pressure on myself, but then that sounds ludicrous. Like I’m being entirely too easy on myself. 

This week I’m not gonna set any goals. I’m going to just ponder what I really want to get done before this month is over and go from there.

Ugh. Night!

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

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Lazy Bitch

Hello wild ones! Well I gave myself the day, and by that I mean I realized that I’ve got 4 more days off, so I decided to just be as lazy as physically possible today. I’ve been lazing about in my bed all dang day. Dozing, reading, staring at the ceiling, and texting. That’s all I did today and it felt wonderful.

Tomorrow I’m going to go clean my sisters house for her and then hang with her after work. But I’m going to just enjoy the rest of my night in bed amongst my pillows. Night!

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

Girl’s Dinner

Hello wild ones. I hope everyone is having a great weekend thus far. I’m currently sitting on my love seat chatting it up with my pregnant bestie. We had a very fun dinner and then a super long walk around Walmart looking at stuff we really didn’t need. 

I had planned on staying awake all day, but that so didn’t happen. I fell asleep around 9 amish and then woke up at 5…bleh. 

Tonight I’m gonna take a nap and then for real make myself stay awake all day tomorrow, so I can sleep tomorrow night. 

Night!

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild! 

Chels

Last Night Shift

Hello wild ones! Tonight is my last night on night shift. Tomorrow I gotta start retraining my body to be awake during the day and I am not really looking forward to it all.

I plan on working on the garage tomorrow all day. I’m hoping that by having a task to get done it will make the hours I have to stay awake easier to get through. We’ll see how that goes.

I’ve got dinner with the girls tomorrow to look forward to as well. Bleh, but that’s all I’ve got going on this weekend. Boring Chelsea yet again. Night.

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

Day Shift

Hello wild ones! Well I got some news at work today that is going to changes things yet again. I’m going back to day shift. Not exactly thrilled about the shift, but it will allow me to do some things I haven’t been able to do since I went to nights nearly a year ago.

I’ll be back on a regular sleep schedule, so no more being woke up in the middle of the day by people who don’t respect my need for sleep.

I can go back to doing zumba and walking with M every afternoon.

I’ll have more consecutive days off. We’ll be working a 4 on 4 off schedule.

Now the downside is that now I’ll be at the office when everyone else is, which I’m not thrilled about. You get watched way more closely during day shift. Day shift is way more hectic, so I’ll go back to being challenged (which I guess is not completely terrible), which might mean I get to read a little less. Lastly, I’ll have to go back to waking up before the damn sun. Bleh.

For now, I’m trying to focus on the positive. So, starting next week I will be back on day shift, really should not mess with the blog at all. You’ll get posts earlier in the evening, but other than that nothing should really change.

I know today was supposed to be book talk…but I’m really not feeling it. Sorry.

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

Fixing Me

Hello wild ones! I’m feeling a little more level today, as far as my emotions go. Actually, of course that’s not really true, I’ve just once again slipped into a fantasy world of someone else’s design, so I don’t have to think about my own damn problems. It’s so much easier to focus on a fictional persons journey through life than to think about my own journey. Watch as someone else makes their life plan and fumbles along the way, my own life plan sitting blankly beside me. I feel so messed up at this point that I don’t even know what to do.

It seems the simple solution would be just to put the damn books down for a few days and give my life some serious thought, but once I start doing that the fear creeps in, followed by the hollowness that fills me up when I think. That’s the problem, I don’t want to think about any of it, so I’ll just pick up another book and escape until it’s time to go to sleep again.

I’ve got this dependency on the outside world now. I’m not safe with my own thoughts, so I have to stay busy. Keep my mind focused on other things, so I don’t look closely at the cracks in my foundation.

Maybe the real problem is that I’m just a coward. Instead of powering through the bad stuff I think, I just push it off because it’s too scary to think about. I’m a little coward who hides in books. And I keep pretending like everything is okay. No one around me knows how much I hate what my life has become. How I wish more than anything I could just pick up and leave it all behind. If someone came and offered me the chance to run away I would take it, right this second I would run. Far. That freaks me out when I start to think about what that really means. I would be willing to just leave my family behind. I’d miss them, but I would leave. It’s not like they wouldn’t be fine without me and I have this thing inside of me that says after a while I would forget about them and they would forget about me.

See this is the dark crap that starts bubbling up when I stop to think about my life. It’s gotten so dark there’s no light filtering through anymore. I can’t see how to come out of the darkness. How can I make myself face all that darkness when I don’t know where it ends? How do I fix myself when self reflection makes me feel so terrible? I don’t what to do next. If I keep just filling up my life with more books and things to keep my mind busy it’s not fixing the problem. So how the hell do I fix myself?

Until tomorrow. stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

Disappointment

Hello wild ones! I’ve been battling some stuff lately. It may very well be because of the excess of hormones flooding my system due to my monthly visitor, but it’s been fucking me up, so we gotta talk about it.

This weekend I had breakfast in bed with my brother, it’s like our Saturday thing. He gets tacos and we eat them in my bed and talk nonsense to each other for an hour. This nonsense talk had a lot of talk that was not nonsense. We talked about the future. About what I was going to do when he moves out in a few months to go further his education elsewhere. I hadn’t really thought about it having any kind of affect on my life as a whole. He’d be going off to school somewhere and I would keep working at the job I hate to support myself. And then he asked a question that’s been asked of me a million times, but coming from him was different.

He asked if I ever thought about going back to school. I swear, I’ve been asked this question more times than I can count, but I usually just roll my eyes, deflect, and don’t think about it again. But coming from my little brother, who is about to be 21 and currently busting his butt to get enough credits so he can transfer to the University he wants to attend it was different. He really wanted to know. Typically, I think people ask because they’re just being asses or I feel like they’re telling me my life as is isn’t good enough, but Wyatt just wanted to know. So, I told the truth.

Of course I’ve thought about it, but it’s usually in passing or because I had a dream that I was back in high school with my whole life ahead of me. I told him that I felt like I was too late. It was too late. It was a ship that had sailed. But that if I did go back to school it would be to become a teacher. Being the supportive kid he is, he of course encouraged me. Told me it was never too late. “Chels, I go to class with people who are mom’s age. It’s never too late.”

But it feels too late. I feel like I had my chance and I blew it. I let myself down. How am I supposed to recover from that? That feeling of deep disappointment in myself?

That damn kid opened up a worm hole. I started to think about it. I could go back to school. I could get my degree and become a teacher. I even talked about it with M last night after dinner. But those thoughts have started to cause more problems than I intended. Next year will be the ten year anniversary of my graduation. Ten years. At first I made a joke that it made me feel old, but honestly it makes me feel like a complete failure.

Ten years. I have nothing to show for it. I work at a job I hate because I have to. I have zero social life. I can literally count on one hand the number of people I consider friends. I’ve got nothing. I feel like nothing.

M asked me more questions last night that really fucked me up too. She asked, “When you were in high school, where did you think you would be right now?” I didn’t even have a real answer. When I graduated the only thing I focused on was getting out of the small town where I graduated. I didn’t have a real plan. I had no idea what I wanted, I just wanted out. But answering that damn question made me realize, it wasn’t the town I was trying to escape, it was just me. I thought that by going away I would find who I was meant to be. That didn’t fucking happen.

Then she asked, “Where do you see yourself in the future? What do you want to do?” Still have no real answer for that. I told her that I just wanted to be somewhere I could make a difference. That’s the reason I wanted to be a teacher. I want to go to work everyday knowing that I have the chance to make a difference in someone’s life. Which of course made me realize that my job doesn’t make a difference. That I don’t make a difference in anyone’s life. Not even really my own because I let myself get stuck here. I do the same fucking shit every damn day.

How sad is that?  I’m insignificant. Of course I’ve always known that in the grand scheme of things I was insignificant, but looking closely at my life I realized it wasn’t just in the grand scheme of things. That hit me upside the head this morning as I was trying to fall asleep, which of course turned into me staring at my curtains trying to keep myself from crying. Didn’t work. I sobbed. I’m tearing up a bit now thinking about it again.

It’s easy to distract myself from that sad fact when I’m reading, that is why I read. This is why I pretend everything is okay. Because the moment I start to think about my life it depresses me. I’m going to be twenty seven this year and I have no idea who I am or where I’m going in life. I don’t even know where I want to go in life. I told M, I just want to be independent. And I want to be happy. But that makes me wonder if I’m ever going to be happy with myself?

Until tomorrow, stay wonderfully wild!

Chels