Fixing Me

Hello wild ones! I’m feeling a little more level today, as far as my emotions go. Actually, of course that’s not really true, I’ve just once again slipped into a fantasy world of someone else’s design, so I don’t have to think about my own damn problems. It’s so much easier to focus on a fictional persons journey through life than to think about my own journey. Watch as someone else makes their life plan and fumbles along the way, my own life plan sitting blankly beside me. I feel so messed up at this point that I don’t even know what to do.

It seems the simple solution would be just to put the damn books down for a few days and give my life some serious thought, but once I start doing that the fear creeps in, followed by the hollowness that fills me up when I think. That’s the problem, I don’t want to think about any of it, so I’ll just pick up another book and escape until it’s time to go to sleep again.

I’ve got this dependency on the outside world now. I’m not safe with my own thoughts, so I have to stay busy. Keep my mind focused on other things, so I don’t look closely at the cracks in my foundation.

Maybe the real problem is that I’m just a coward. Instead of powering through the bad stuff I think, I just push it off because it’s too scary to think about. I’m a little coward who hides in books. And I keep pretending like everything is okay. No one around me knows how much I hate what my life has become. How I wish more than anything I could just pick up and leave it all behind. If someone came and offered me the chance to run away I would take it, right this second I would run. Far. That freaks me out when I start to think about what that really means. I would be willing to just leave my family behind. I’d miss them, but I would leave. It’s not like they wouldn’t be fine without me and I have this thing inside of me that says after a while I would forget about them and they would forget about me.

See this is the dark crap that starts bubbling up when I stop to think about my life. It’s gotten so dark there’s no light filtering through anymore. I can’t see how to come out of the darkness. How can I make myself face all that darkness when I don’t know where it ends? How do I fix myself when self reflection makes me feel so terrible? I don’t what to do next. If I keep just filling up my life with more books and things to keep my mind busy it’s not fixing the problem. So how the hell do I fix myself?

Until tomorrow. stay wonderfully wild!

Chels

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